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4th Nov 2019
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A married state of mind

Few things are as important as the marriage vows during the wedding. Vows are at the
center of all civil marriage ceremonies, and they are declared publicly. They are the solemn
words spoken by the couple to each other expressing both intent and promise. They express
how the couple intend to relate to each other, how they intend to navigate the path of life
together, and what meaning they intend to give to their marriage. They are an oath to work
hard at living out this intent, no matter how challenging that may be.

However, because of how society has turned weddings to be more about the spectacle
rather than the covenant, couples often forget about the vows and remember more the glitz,
who came and didn’t come, who said what at the wedding reception, and who bought them
what gift. After two months, they would have talked everything out about the wedding, and
are only then hit by the reality of marriage. When your eyes are off the ball, you often miss
the target.

The strongest teams in sports have chemistry beyond the field of play and the locker room.
They’re a blend of experience, communication and unity; and they learn to overcome
adversity through agreements and disagreements. Those qualities lead to championships
and celebrations.

The same is true of marriage. The power of agreement is a married state of mind that holds
the potential for happiness, joy and celebrations in your life. It has the potential to radically
transform your marriage.

When you as husband and wife fail to think and act in unison, you miss the opportunity to
utilize the power of agreement. You miss the opportunity to function at the highest level of
marriage, a married state of mind.

A married state of mind is a mindset that prioritizes your spouse above anything or anyone in
this world. It’s a state of oneness where it’s you and me first, and then it’s them. And “them”,
often has to include the children too. It’s a place where you’ve cleaved enough to be one
and are totally and unashamedly transparent with one another.

It’s a place where your spouse knows you’ve got their back no matter what, no matter where,
no matter who and no matter why. It’s “us” united against the intrusive in-laws for instance,
instead of us fighting one another over our in-laws. It’s you and me fighting our financial
situation as one, instead of us fighting over money.

A married state of mind is a place of trust, unity, loyalty and harmony. Like dance partners
on the dance floor, we lead and give way to each other in a structured yet poetic rhythm of
trust, focus and love.

It’s a place of far lesser conflict, not because you’re avoiding them, have lost yourself in
marriage or are naive. But it’s because you’ve given your spouse the right to be themselves
and to fully express their individuality such that your differences don’t intimidate you. You
find a way of embracing each other in your realities without the fear of being judged or
criticized. You complement one another in your differences, and make your differences
serve your marriage instead of them being a source of consternation and conflict. To fully realise a married state of mind means you have to have a common understanding of why the two of you are joined together in marriage. It also means you have to have a shared
purpose, common vision, and a shared value-system.

Furthermore, a married state of mind is built on the principle of oneness, which teaches us
the essence of marriage. It teaches that marriage is a sacred covenant that binds a husband and wife together as one flesh until they are separated by death. It is a permanent relationship built on God’s design where a man and his wife grow to become inseparable.
The term “one flesh” means just as your body is one whole entity and cannot be separated
into pieces and still remains whole, so it is to be with your marriage, inseparable.

You are no longer two entities or individuals, but are now one entity, a married couple. Becoming one takes an intentional choice on the part of both spouses. It steers couples in
the right direction, alleviating stressful moments, reducing the possibility of disillusionment
and fostering success.

Marriages in alignment provide a foundation for confident, stronger relationships. When
couples are open and honest in communicating, it builds trust. They prefer to talk things out
when they disagree.

A married state of mind is connecting and willingness to grow together on all levels. It’s
referring to “mine” as “ours”, and then later back to “mine” again as referring to both of you.
It’s sharing the responsibility of running a household, doing chores, raising children, and
providing for a family – one of the most down-to-earth aspects of married life. This
very practical side of marriage has deep roots in something that can only be characterized
as profoundly spiritual. It’s an awesome and fascinating experience of two becoming one.

Lastly, it’s a question of the two identifying so deeply with each other that you start looking at
the world from one another’s point of view. This is a position you grow into, over a period of
time, and after going through certain things in life that chisel you into oneness. It’s a married
state of mind.

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