Co-parenting after a messy break-up
4th Nov 2019
Coping when hubby is unemployed
4th Nov 2019
Show all

Getting married after your spouse has passed away

Finding someone worthy and that takes you serious enough to put a ring on it once your spouse had passed away is something to really celebrate. And this is especially so if you’re also not opposed to the idea of getting remarried.

There is no set time frame for remarriage after the death of a spouse. You are as ready as you believe you are, and no one has any right to judge you for your decision to remarry especially your former in-laws, as this usually is the case. Only you can decide when the time is right to begin dating again and remarry.

However, there are some critical things to consider before bringing someone new into your life after your spouse has passed away. More than many people you’d know that, the fact that you love one another is neither here nor there. There are practical things to consider before walking that aisle again.

Consider the timing
Again, you are as ready for the next step as you believe you are. However, dating and marriage are two different things. We need not school you on that. In between the death of your spouse and the time you are single readying yourself for remarriage, is a good time to re-evaluate who you are and what you need mentally and emotionally from a new relationship. Before you walk down the aisle again, you want to make sure that you are comfortable being yourself and that you are able to bring only you and not your emotional baggage from your deceased spouse into a new relationship. Allow yourself to adequately grieve. Because this is so individual and so personal, there is no hard-and-fast rule for how long the grieving process should take.

A big mistake that many people make is that they remarry too soon. Often the euphoria of a new relationship masks the pain and sorrow of their loss, and they mistakenly think they’re ready to start anew. Don’t fall into this trap!

Consider the children
Just because you are ready to make that big commitment doesn’t mean your children are. Make sure that they’ve received proper grief counselling and time in which to heal before bringing someone new into their lives. This is a very sensitive issue and you may need counselling to best deal with your children in this circumstance. Bringing children into a step-parenting situation can have its own set of challenges. It may also open up a range of financial complications. Rarely do we find that couples can claim true equity when bringing children into the mix, and with child-care and education costs being higher than ever, it’s important to know where you stand.

Consider the type of your nuptial agreement
Having conversations about pre and post nuptial agreement can sometimes be uncomfortable, but the process can be valuable for both of you. Engaging in such a conversation now doesn’t mean you’re entering your second marriage with divorce in mind. You know better than that. One of you may also pass away, lose their job or be self-employed. At a time in your life when much more is at stake, shoving the paperwork aside to avoid a difficult conversation isn’t the best course of action. Plus, having your nuptial agreement in place may ensure your children within the marriage are financially protected in the event one spouse dies.

Determine and record your financial status before remarriage. New wills are an absolute must so that each of you will know which possessions will be yours on the death of the other. Also, make sure you formalize your wishes regarding any other separate or joint estates.

Never consider comparing
Although comparisons may be a natural human way of putting things into perspective, never ever compare your late husband with your current. Not out-loud, anyway. It will only hurt your current, and it will prevent you from learning the unique things that your new relationship has to offer.

All unhappiness arises from unfavourable comparisons, and you can’t be fully in the present if you’re always leaning toward the past. And you can’t see your current spouse as an individual if you hold him up against the spouse you lost. Even if your current spouse doesn’t pick up on it now, eventually he will sense your diluted vision of him and may perceive it as you being unappreciative of who he is.

Remember that yours is a very different situation from a divorce, where the ex-partner is still around to make mistakes and remind you of why you wanted the divorce in the first place. Your late spouse is frozen in time, alive in your memory and therefore often idealized in your memory. It’s natural to want to remember the best qualities of the person you loved. However, when you use those memories as a point of comparison, it’s unfair to the person
across from you who chews with their mouth open. When you compare the idealized past to the messy reality of today, today will lose.

Always remember that the reality of today is reality in the truest sense. And you deserve to enjoy and be fulfilled in it with a companion you love and trust. Don’t squander your present by living in the past, and by inadvertently turning your back on the partner before you while you try to fit your new life into the template of the past.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *