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“I’m in love with a married man”

For some time now, we’ve been receiving this common question from different readers who wish that we address. And admittedly, we’ve been ignoring it since we’d have to be brutally honest if we’d have to deal with it. It’s basically about a side-chick that has an affair with a married man, hoping that he’ll leave his wife as he always promises. It’s one thing to be fooled by him into believing he’s single. However, it’s a whole other story if you’re a willing side-chick, or, as we call it in New Brighton, a “makhwapheni” – loosely translated, someone’s underarm.

Because in reality, that’s what you are when you opt for this kind of lifestyle. You become a nameless secret that cannot even take a mere selfie with him for social media publishing. You become the woman he texts when he’s drunk or whenever he wants another sexual fix. You’re that woman his wife told him to delete off his phone and out of his life. You become an irritating fly that just won’t go away.

Now, he’s not an innocent victim in the picture. He’s in fact, a perpetrator. A selfish, immature, and most probably a control-freak of an imposter. A conman who’s willing to risk the health of his wife, as well as a lifetime of true love and commitment all because of his unbridled hormonal adventures. He’s a grown boy who just happens to shave every now and then, who lacks self-government.

Of course you believe you love him, and that he hates being with his wife, right? And yes, we get it, you’ve been together for some time now, and you’re both grown-ups. But you’re most probably faithful to him, while, after brief stolen stints with you, he goes home and be with his real woman. Some kind of love you have, isn’t it!

Hence, making yourself a helpless victim doesn’t fly with us. You choose to subject yourself to this lifestyle voluntarily. And in the process you’re blocking other possibilities of awesome relationships because you’re obsessed with someone that isn’t obsessed about you. And no, he doesn’t love you at all. He’s just stringing you along for lustful purposes.

Why being the other woman is completely lame for all three of you?

He’ll never leave her

…at least not for you, anyway. There is a reason why she is his wife, and you are not. If he was going to leave her for you, he would have by now. Despite what he tells you, there is literally nothing that is forcing him to stay. He is with her by choice.

You have a choice

There are men out there that are single and ready to mingle – yes, even for your age. There are also men out there that have all the qualities you like without the extra baggage. And even if there were none available, it is better to be single than to settle for being a secret woman. And by the way, how do you think this triangle will actually end eventually anyway?

You are your parents’ daughter

Self-respect goes a very long way to even finding your own partner. Do you feel you deserve to be the secret on the side? Remembering who you are by treating yourself with dignity and pride is an attractive trait. You deserve fireworks and butterflies from a guy that is all about you, just like his wife does. You should never have to be someone’s second and secret choice.

Think about their children

Your caring nature as a woman ought to make you think about the countless and very adverse risks you’ll be putting their children into, should they separate because of your selfishness. Is it worth it? Would you want for your child to grow up fatherless only because of some woman who was too liberal to govern herself?

You are dropping the ball on another woman

You have to feel at least a little guilty for what you’re doing behind another sister’s back. You can’t possibly be that heartless towards a fellow woman, especially over a selfish and immature man. How would you feel if the roles were reversed? Forget the morality of it, what about the health hazard you’re all predisposed to? His wife believes she is in love with the perfect guy and that he is all about her. Finding out that is not the case would be devastating. And then imagine not just the heartbreak and the carnage, but her rage towards both of you. Is the risk of putting yourself in harm’s way worth it?

You are enabling bad behaviour

Guys play women like this only because they can get away with it. Women need to keep their expectations high and make clear that this stupidity is unacceptable.

Relationships born out of an affair don’t last

You may know of one or two marriages born out of infidelity that lasted, they are exceptions. However, even those, suffered a great deal of trust and commitment deficit, because both partners know exactly how they got to be together. The rule is, such relationships are more likely to be dysfunctional, as he is more likely to do to you what he did with you. After all, if he was willing to abandon a committed partner, why should he not be willing to do so again with you?

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