“I ’ve been dating a married man, and I seem to be the only one who cares about the relationship”, was a helpless cry of yet another woman on our social media page. She’s not the only one. We simply cannot count the number of women who feel trapped as a result of such poor decisions. Of course, it’s not true that they are helpless and trapped as though there’s nothing they can do to extricate themselves from the trapping quagmire of cheating that’s marred by lies and deceit. Falling in and out of love is not accidental. It’s not something you have no control over. It’s a decision. And the feelings are only consequent to that.
If you’re dating outside marriage we know what you’re thinking. You believe you’re not responsible for the feelings and lives of people you don’t know. You’re thinking that if it makes the two of you happy, then that’s what really matters. You block out any concerns you may about the wife, the sacredness of marriage or even your self-respect. In fact, the latter may not even feature in your equation.
You probably think she doesn’t bring to the table all the things you do. She’s simply not desirable anymore, so her marriage failing won’t be because of you. If she were enough, he wouldn’t have come looking. She wouldn’t understand what it’s like to be in your position. If she were anything like you, she would do the same. And that if she was to get out of the way, he would commit himself fully to you in marriage because you two are just born for each other.
Well, consider the objective truth for a moment.
Are you comfortable with sexual “double dipping”? A cheating man often has a reinvigorated sexual intimacy with his wife, in an attempt to cover his tracks. He may try to downplay his sexual relationship with the wife to you, but in the end, he goes home to her, sleeps with her and plays husband-and-wife with her, and “sadly” not with you.
Then he comes back to you and says he’s super unhappy in his marriage, and may even “want” to leave.
Unfortunately, men often cheat because they have an opportunity to. Who they’re cheating with usually has little to do with it. As a result, mistresses are often devastated when a married man leaves his wife, but ends up needing “me time” in the wake of a divorce. It’s not a given that he’ll automatically commit himself to you.
And if he did leave his wife, you’d have to live with those repercussions. You’d have to live with the distress and heartbreak you’ve caused the wife and, God forbid, their children. That’s true home-wrecking right there. For some time, you were the “other woman”. But you’ll have to live with the highly-likely possibility that he will do it again, to you, with another “other woman”. Because he’ll never commit to you exclusively. Your relationship is never going to become some beautiful love story that sails into the sunset.
Even if his wife doesn’t fit your idea of perfection, it’s still wrong. The odds are that he isn’t out looking for something better necessarily. He’s looking for someone easier and with less responsibility. We can almost promise you that as soon as the truth comes out, he’ll regret his choice and leave you to attempt to repair his relationship with the person he actually loves, his wife. Other than a pawn for his sexual or emotional fulfilment, you have to come to terms with the fact that you really aren’t that much in his life.
A cheating man is in control of the relationship. He sees an affair as something that is romantically and sexually thrilling. It makes his life once again exhilarating and full of passions. You’re simply his toy. Many cheating men still love their wives and can summarily end the relationship with you if it threatens to disturb his marriage.
Is the man accountable for the affair? Absolutely. In fact, he’s more accountable than you are because it’s his relationship and family. He’s the one breaking vows and he’s the one who’ll have to deal with the fallout.
Finally, you’re not getting younger while entertaining married men. You ought to love and respect yourself more. Why are you fine with being a mistress and a mystery? Side chicks are kept as a shameful secret, and they never get to experience the full spectrum of a loving relationship. Going on regular dates at reasonable hours, socialising with friends and family, building a relationship based on trust and intimacy.
By the way, he won’t be available to you this or any other Christmas and even Valentine’s Day. You’ll be at the mercy of his daily schedule, as he needs to prioritise his time for the woman he really loves, his wife. Most of the time, you’ll be by yourself possibly even on dates you deem important.
You deserve better than this. And frankly, so does his wife.
We’d say kick that cheater to the curb, and work on finding someone who truly wants you, and only you. Stop investing precious time, in a life this short, to a relationship that’s on a dead-end before it even begins. The only end of that relationship is hurt, disappointment, betrayal, home-wreckage, anger, bitterness and possibly even physical harm.
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