O ver the last few years, we’ve been coming across more and more relationships under the sexual strain because the husband is now the one faking “the headache”, while his wife is pulling her hair out in utter frustration. We’re not talking about wives that naturally have higher sexual libido than their men, nor are we even talking about the depreciating libido that comes with old age. We’re talking about men, at the pick of their lives that simply lose sexual appetite during the course of the relationship. So much for men being the ultimate anytime, anyplace, anyhow sexual creatures.
Sex cannot sustain marriage but sexual boredom, or the absence of sex, can spoil the entire relationship. Mismatched sexual desires can have highly devastating results, especially when there’s little to no transparent communication about it. The rejection that comes with feeling unwanted by your husband cuts very deep. Naturally, you’d question your own sexual attraction, which in itself delivers a death blow to your self-esteem and affects your self-confidence.
It’s no wonder many of these women believe there must be some place elsewhere these guys are satisfying themselves, or that they themselves harbour thoughts of unfaithfulness.
Our view is, you may find that the real reasons for his unnatural loss of sexual appetite often have very little to do with him finding her less sexually attractive or infidelity. It’s a common challenge that is present to more marriages than you may think of.
In some cases, emotional and power dynamics lie at the heart of these situations. One partner, for instance may use sex as a way to convey strong emotions that they normally are not comfortable expressing directly. The other may use it as a weapon to reassert a sense of power and control. By withholding sex, he might find a source of leverage that he may otherwise feel he doesn’t possess.
Furthermore, no one gets aroused feeling, consciously or unconsciously, too worried, responsible, or guilty about their partner. Similarly, you can’t get turned on if you’re feeling rejected or inferior either. All these are incompatible with sexual excitement.
There are other possible considerations we’d also like for you to think about.
Testosterone is the hormone responsible for sexual arousal. We advise that hubby consults medical practitioners to have his low libido checked out. A simple blood test can verify whether he does indeed have low hormone levels. There are medical interventions to help this condition.
Sometimes the low libido is simply a physical issue. Fat works against testosterone in men meaning, the more fat he is, the less desire he’d simply have for sex.
How often have you heard sexologists and other relationship advices that in a case of mismatched sexual desire, you should consider watching pornography and masturbation? We hear it very often. Pornography is a huge libido thief for men. The more he is to pornography, the less he’ll be into sex in real life. Porn trains the brain to be aroused by the image, not the relationship. If he’s into pornography, we advise that he gets help. Porn is not harmless, and it’s not just fun.
Addiction to porn will lower his libido, but so will addiction to just about anything. If he spends hours every night with video games or watching TV, he’s not likely to want to make love very often, either. Addiction to alcohol or any kind of drug can also lower one’s sex drive.
Work provides an awfully strong temptation, because men tend to thrive when they feel competent. And if your husband doesn’t feel competent or involved at home, it is quite likely that he will look for other places to invest most of his energy. For many men, that place is work. They derive such satisfaction from building a business, earning money or prestige, or just working hard and accomplishing something that all of their passion, drive, and energy are devoted to work, not you. If you berate and nag him for not being home, you’ll likely send him running even harder for work, where he’s praised and admired.
Lack of Relationship
Often when there is a problem in the marriage, it shows up in the bedroom. But because the symptom is in the bedroom, we often think the solution is too. So we concentrate on strategies that have to do with sex, like buying lingerie, playing risqué games, using toys, watching porn, and trying new positions.
In reality, the solution is often found outside the bedroom. Sex embodies our body, soul and spirit. If your husband has a low sex drive that isn’t due to health problems or addictions, then our view of the best solution is to intently work on your friendship. Spend more time together. Develop interest in him and his likes just so you can be together. Build a relationship that goes beyond physical intimacy. Because ultimately, that’s what will bring fulfilment in your relationship. Emotional intimacy usually leads to physical intimacy.
Lack of Respect
He may also be pulling away sexually because of disrespect. While respect goes both ways, be conscious of how you talk to him. We know of many women who belittle their men without realizing it. Men are particularly sensitive to whatever they define as disrespect. Because respect is how men generally spell love. And it has a lot of impact in what happens or doesn’t happen in the bedroom.